The quarrel had reached a new height when the wife said to her spouse, "I wish I'd taken my mother's advice and never married you."

Hubby swung around, "Do you mean to tell me that your mother tried to stop you from marrying me?"

Wife nodded in the affirmative.

"Good heavens," cried the husband, his voice filled with remorse. "How I've wronged that woman."

Pickpocket (visiting friend in jail): "I hired a lawyer for you this morning, Slim, but I had to hand him my Rolex as a retainer."

Slim: "Did he keep it?"

Pickpocket: "He thinks he did."

The foreman on a contracted job started bawling out one of the men, "I've had slow men on jobs before but you are the slowest I've ever seen. Is there anything you are quick with?"

"Well," yawned the workman, "nobody can get tired as quick as I can."

Marine corporal (at a party): "Do you see that officer over there? He is the meanest egg I have ever seen. He is an ugly sap of an officer."

She: "Do you know who I am? I am that officer's daughter."

Corporal: "Do you know who I am?"

She: "No..."

Corporal: "Good."