My friend: "I work at Google!"

Me: "That's great, I google at work."

What was the dog doing on the turnpike?

About seven miles an hour.

Wife: "I lost my keys again."

Husband: "It's in your jeans."

Wife: "Don't drag my family into this!"

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky!"

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such treatment, the man tries the parrots approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it now!"

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"