I spent five dollars for a weather app on my phone...

I got two dollars and fifteen cents back in 'climate change'.

A cheetah and a lion are racing...

The cheetah wins...

The lion says, "You a cheetah!"

The cheetah replies, "Nah, you a lion!"

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram...

I was like 0mg!

Me: "I think I have a crush on Beyoncé..."

Her: "Whatever floats your boat."

Me: "No, that’s buoyancy."