The police arrested my daughter claiming she had burnt our house down...

But it was arson.

Why do astronauts use Linux?

Because you can't open windows in space.

My GPS just told me to turn around...

Now I can’t see where I’m driving.

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”