Her: What do you do?

Me: I race cars.

Her: Do you win many races?

Me: Not really, the cars are much faster.

Officer: "Why should you be released early?"

Man: "I’m..."

Officer: "Go on..."

Man: "I think..."

Officer: "Yes?"

Man: "Can I please finish my sentence?"

Officer: "Sure, if that's what you really want. Parole denied."

My wife is incredibly smart.

When I called her from my buddy’s phone she answered, “Hey love!”

She already knew it was me.

Interviewer: "How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?"

Me: "That’s when I went to Yale..."

Interviewer: "That’s impressive. You are hired."

Me: "Thanks. I really need this yob."