A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.

A realist sees a freight train.

The train conductor sees three idiots standing on the track.

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.

It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present.

Cop: You ARE the lawyer.

Lawyer: So where’s my present?

Went to the gym and there's a new machine.

I used it for an hour and felt sick.

Its good though, it does everything.

Kit Kats, Mars bars, Snickers, etc...