I made a playlist for hiking. it has music from The Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.

I call it my trail mix.

I got my wife a metal detector as a present, but she didn't like it.

Strange, as she always likes to dig up things from the past.

Why isn't holy water used in vaccines?

Because you can't take the lord's name in vein.

I called Animal Welfare today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing four kittens."

“That's terrible," she replied, "Are they moving?”

“I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "but if they were that would explain the suitcase.”