Husband: “Call 911 quick, I think I’m having a heart attack!“

The wife picked up his cell phone to call. She said, “Give me your password!”

Husband: "Never mind, I’m feeling much better now."

What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?

"He didn't count on this..."

The teacher heard Little Johnny use some serious language and was shocked. “Little Johnny, don’t you ever use language like that again, not near me, not ever. Where on earth did you learn that?”

“I got it from my dad, Miss,” replies Johnny.

“Well, your daddy should be ashamed. I hope you don’t know what all that even means?”

“Oh but I do,” says Johnny. “It means the car won’t start.”

At a first date:

He: “I work with animals every day.”

She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”

He: “I’m a butcher."