My wife told me I was incapable of multitasking.

So I got drunk and embarrassed her at the same time.

I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again.

I didn't get pulled over or anything...

I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.

I bought an alarm clock yesterday but I took it back today and asked for a refund, I said to the assistant, "It's not working properly, I set the alarm for 7:30am but it went off at 4:30am."

"I'd like to give you a refund sir, but it's smashed into pieces. How do you explain the damage?" he asked.

I said, "I just told you, it's not working properly and it went off at 4:30am."

Do you enjoy yelling "What?" from the other room?

Then marriage might be for you.