I'm not addicted to coffee...

It's more of a committed relationship.

My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week...

I don’t know how much she charges.

It's ten below zero one early spring day in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, "You owe me quite a bit on your tab."

"Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week."

"That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall."

"But," says Pat, "I don't want any of my friends to see that."

"They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid."

"Push harder!" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.

"I hate you, I hate you more than I've ever hated anyone!" she screamed back at me.

Bit harsh I thought… it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital.