Woman customer, pointing to a roast: "Excuse me, sir, but is this meat tender?"

Butcher: "As tender as my heart."

Woman customer: "In that case, I'll take a pound of sausages instead."

Policeman: "Excuse me, sir, did you see a man in a long, black coat, carrying a briefcase pass by here a moment ago?"

Dopey Dan: "No."

Policeman, skeptical: "Did he tell you to say that?"

Dopey Dan: "Yes."

A police detective was at the house of a woman whose past three husbands had suspiciously died. "I heard your first two husbands died of food poisoning." he inquired. "What caused it?"

"Poisonous mushrooms." she replied.

"I see," replied the inspector. "And how did your third husband die?"

"He wouldn't eat his mushrooms."