Two daughters were having a discussion about family resemblance. "I look like Mom," said my nine-year-old, "but I have Dad's eyes and Dad's lips."

The six-year-old said, "And I look just like Dad, but I have light hair."

Then she turned to me. "Mom," she asked, "what does Dad have to do with us being born anyway?"

Her older sister jumped right in. "Don't be stupid, Christina. Dad is the one who drove Mom to the hospital."

When a man's dog died, he took it to the local Baptist church. He asked the preacher if he could have a funeral service for his much loved pet, but the preacher explained that they didn't do services like that for animals.

The man asked who would and the preacher suggested that the Methodist church up the road would probably give the dog a funeral service.

The man asked, "Preacher, do you think $5,000 would be enough payment for the dog's funeral?"

The preacher relied, "Dearest sir, why didn't you tell me that your dog was a Baptist?"

A man and his wife cracked open their fortune cookies.

Hers read, “Be quiet for a little while.”

His read, “Speak while you have a chance."

A man said to a long-haul truck driver, "I'd love to drive a big rig," I said, "but I'd worry about falling asleep at the wheel."

"Here's a tip to stay awake," he offered. "Put a $100 bill in your left hand and hold it out the window."