A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.

"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."

A friend of mine was having a bit of marital-tension in his household and was trying to figure out just what to do about it.

In the course of our conversation, I said to him, "You know, quite often God speaks to us through our wives."

My friend looked at me and said, "Oh yeah? Well I'm pretty sure God doesn't use that kind of language!"

As I was admitted the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying, "I'm going to give you a bracelet."

"Has it got rubies and diamonds?" I ask coyly.

"No," he said. "But it cost just as much."

An out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city.

Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here."

"You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the busy waiter. "I can only serve one table at a time.