A funny magician accidentally turned his wife into a couch and his two kids into armchairs. He started to panic and thought to himself, "What on earth have I done?"

He began to ponder, "How am I going to bring back my beloved family?" So, he thought for a while and decided a good idea was to take them to a hospital and see if the surgeon could operate and bring them back. He loaded them into his van and off he rushed to the local hospital.

He walked up and down the hospital hall and after some serious surgery, he asks the doctor, "Doc, how are they?"

The doctor replied, "Comfortable!"

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain.

My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.

I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?"

With an alarmed look, the nurse quickly said, "Ma'am, he's not THAT sick!"

It's the day before Thanksgiving and the butcher is just locking up when a man pounds on the door. "Please let me in," says the man, "I forgot to buy a turkey and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one."

"Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what's left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.

"That one's too skinny. What else have you got"? says the man. The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes then brings the same turkey back out to the man.

"Oh no," says the man, "that one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them."

Two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of the dads gives them both a bit of advice. "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle."

At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads."

"Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men.

"And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too!" adds the other.