My wife calls me handsome...

Every payday she says to me, "Hand some over!"

Happiness is walking through the green grass barefoot....

Misery is walking through the green grass barefoot and then discovering it's a cow pasture.

John: "Can you loan me a hundred dollars?"

Fred: "I don't have that much on me."

John: "Well, just give me what you have and you can owe me the rest."

Sally: What is the greatest labor saving device known to man?

Wilma: I don't know.

Sally: Tomorrow.

Wilma: Tomorrow?

Sally: As in 'I will do it tomorrow.'