John: How's your new alarm clock working out?

Fred: It didn't work out at all. It gave me so much trouble I returned it to the store.

John: Really! What was wrong with it?

Fred: It kept waking me up every morning.

I was at a mini-mart one day when I noticed a woman smoking a cigarette while she was gassing up her car. There was a deputy in the store watching her. Suddenly the woman's arm caught fire. She was screaming and trying desperately to put it out, but couldn't.

The deputy ran over and put out the fire with his soda. He then handcuffed the lady and put her in the back of his squad car. I couldn't resist going over to him and asking what he was charging the woman with.

He looked at me, smiled, and said, "I'm charging her with waving a firearm around."

John: "When I was taking psychology classes in college, they taught us that the first sign that someone is going insane is that they grow hair on their knuckles."

Fred: (While looking at his knuckles) "Really? I didn't know that."

John: "Yes. And do you know what the second sign is?"

Fred: "No. What?"

John: "Looking for it."