A concerned father called his son’s Scout Master. “My son told me that due to a new policy you wouldn’t be bringing any moonshine so he’d be required to bring beer for evening use."

After a low quiet chuckle the Scout Master replied, “No, I said due to a new moon it wouldn’t shine well so make sure you bring a bush light for use after dark.”

Little Johnny's mother: "Johnny, your teacher mailed me a permission slip so she could offer you the part of a marionette in the school play and I signed it."

Little Johnny: "I know and she offered me the part but I turned it down. You never want to play a part that has that many strings attached."

Why do gourmet cooks stock on on herbs and spices in the fall?

Because they're seasonal.

When my brother and I were very small my mother took us with her when she visited a girlfriend.

The lady gave my brother and I an apple. My mother said, "What do you say to the nice lady?"

My brother replied, "Peal it."