Guy tells his wife: For your birthday, how about a new car?

Wife: No.

Guy: How about a new boat?

Wife: No.

Guy: Well then, what do you want?

Wife: I want a divorce.

Guy: I wasn’t planning on spending that much money.

Father: Little Johnny, I see by your report card that you are not doing well in history. How come?

Little Johnny: I can’t help it. The teacher always asks me about things that happened before I was born.

I've started a new exercise program.

I do twenty sit-ups every morning.

That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that SNOOZE button just so many times...

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall...

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall...

All the king's horses and all the king's men...

Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.