Told my wife I was going to start smoking pot.

She said if I did she was going to leave me.

That's proof that it gets rid of aches and pains!

After a coworker had finished his English lecture and his class had filed out, a tenth grader stayed behind to confront him.

“I don’t appreciate being singled out,” he told his teacher.

The teacher was confused. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know what the ‘oxy’ part means, but I know what a ‘moron’ is, and you looked straight at me when you said it.”

Simon: How were the exam questions?

Peter: Easy.

Simon: Then why do you look so unhappy?

Peter: The questions didn’t give me any trouble—just the answers.

On a wintry day, my 90-year-old father was in the supermarket trying to pay for his groceries. Bundled up against the cold, his gloved hands were having trouble retrieving and counting the exact change.

The transaction evidently took too long for the man behind him in line, who muttered a curse.

Dad stopped counting, turned around, and warned, “Be quiet or I’ll write a check.”