Melvin: I’d like to be an organ donor.

Doctor: And which organ do you wish to donate?

Melvin: The one that’s been in by basement for ten years. No one’s used it for the past six years.

I didn't mean to gain all this weight. It happened by snaccident.

Little Johnny: I’m not going back to school anymore.

Mom: Why not?

Little Johnny: On Monday the teacher said that four and four make eight. On Tuesday she said six and two make eight. Today she said five and three make eight. I’m not going back until she makes up her mind.

Guest to the waiter: "Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?"

Waiter: "Sorry, sir, but I'm pretty sure she wants to eat it herself."