Billy: I think we’ve over-trained our dog! Look at him—he’s a nervous wreck.

Wanda: Why not take him to a pet psychiatrist?

Billy: Oh, we can’t do that... one of the things we’ve trained him not to do is go on the couch!

My brother was having a tough time losing weight.

Our sister thought he should cut back gradually, so one day she asked, “Mike would you like to split a doughnut with me?”

Mike answered, “Want to split two?”

Victim (after burglary): They stole everything from my house but the soap and towels.

Policeman: Why, those dirty crooks!

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another.

The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

''What's so funny?'' the bartender asked.

''That stupid Dave!'' the fellow chortled. ''He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!''