A female crab was walking down the beach one evening when she noticed a male crab coming toward her, but he was walking straight and not sideways.

Impressed by his talent, she decided to marry him immediately. The next morning she noticed him walking sideways like any ordinary crab. She asked, "What happened? Yesterday you were able to walk straight!"

He answered, "What?! I can't get that drunk every day!"

A veterinarian surgeon had a bad day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner. After dinner, they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady.

"Yes, it is," replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of," said the elderly lady, "There's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating, and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied, "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone."

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"

"Well, it should," said the vet, "It stopped ME!"

My friends asked me to go camping, so I made a list of the things I would need:

“1. New friends.”

I’m on a whiskey diet...

I’ve lost three days already.