A small boy turned to his Aunt Mildred and said, "Wow, you're not pretty!"

His mother overheard the remark and was appalled. She took him aside and gave him a real telling-off before ordering him to go back out to say sorry to Aunt Mildred.

Suitably chastened, the boy went over and said quietly, "Aunt Mildred, I'm sorry you're not pretty."

Did you hear about the cannibal who kept getting stomach aches? He went to the 'good witch doctor' who couldn't figure out what was wrong. He gave the cannibal a medicine and sent him home.

The next day the cannibal came back to the witch doctor and complained of cramps and pains. The witch doctor asked him a bunch of questions and could not figure out what was wrong. As a last resort, the witch doctor asked the cannibal if he had eaten anything strange. The cannibal replied "No."

"Well, what are you eating?" the witch doctor asked.

"The usual," replied the cannibal, "You know just a couple of those Missionaries every now and then."

"Missionaries?" replied the witch doctor. "Just how do you cook them?" he asked.

"The normal way" answered the cannibal as he described the technique. "I boil a lot of water in the big pot, add a little seasoning, a few herbs and vegetables" he further related.

Well, that sounded right to the witch doctor so he pressed a little further. "So, describe these missionaries to me?" he asked.

"Well," replied the cannibal, "you know the ones, they wear those brown robes, wear those sandals on their feet, and they have that bald spot on top of their head."

"THAT'S IT!" exclaimed the witch doctor, "That's your problem! Those are friars... not boilers!!!"

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?"

His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you."

The man goes, "Are my children here?"

"Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says, "Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."

He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied. The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The vicar put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."