Police officer talks to a driver: "Your tail light is broken, your tires must be changed, and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars!!"

[Pause]

Driver: "Alright, go ahead and do it. They want twice as much as that at the garage."

A farmer and his wife got into a huge fight after which the wife stormed off. The farmer says, "Where did you leave the tractor?"

The wife replies, "In the Mill field."

But there's no way into the Mill field!"

"There is now."

My elderly mother was rushed to the hospital following a serious tumble. There the staff placed a band around her wrist with large letters warning: Fall Risk.

Unimpressed, Mom said to me, “I’ll have them know I’m a winter, spring, and summer risk too!”

A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said, "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest."

24 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man, "Why didn't you raise your hand?"

The man replied, "Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge."