Patient: "It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable."

Doctor: "Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?"

Patient: "I sure did. The bottle said 'keep tightly closed'."

When I was young I could watch basketball and even soccer, I could follow all the moves.

But I slowed down a bit and switched to American football since there were many seconds between plays.

But that caught up with me so I switched to baseball since there could be several minutes between plays.

But then I started going to sleep between the plays and lost whole innings.

What to do?

I finally settled on solitaire. If I fall asleep between drawing cards, the game is the same when I wake up.

I loaned $10,000 to my (former) best friend to get plastic surgery.

I haven't heard from him in nine months, and now I don't know what he looks like.

Sister Grace at the convent opened a letter from home and found a $100 bill from her parents. She smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily-dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Grace" on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, and tossed it out the window. The stranger picked it up and read the note. He tipped his hat to Sister Grace and hurried away.

The next day, Sister Grace was told that a man was asking to see her. She went down and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

"What's this?" she asked.

"That's your $8,000, sister," he replied. "'Don't Despair' paid 80-to-1."