Harry the Complainer and his wife happened to pass away on the same day and as they await their interview with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, they're approached by an angel.

"Hello," says the angel. "I'm your host, and welcome to Heaven. In a few moments you'll be entering through our famous Pearly Gates for the most fantastic adventure you've ever experienced. You'll have a chauffeur driven limousine service anywhere in the universe, plus deluxe accommodations at our luxury hotel with all the amenities -- pool, Jacuzzi, indoor tennis courts, and more. Then after your day of relaxation, dine at any of our 5-star restaurants savoring the finest of any cuisine known to man."

At this point, Harry gives his wife a shove in the ribs with his elbow. "If it wasn't for you and that stupid oat bran, we'd have been here ten years ago!"

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her.

I came into my house and told my dog... we laughed a lot.

The tot had just been put to bed for the umpteenth time and his mother's patience was wearing thin.

"I don't want to hear you call 'Mother' one more time!" she warned him sternly.

After a few minutes of quiet, a small voice came from upstairs, "Mrs. Jones? Can I have a drink of water?"

Tech: "Hello, this is tech support. What can I help you with today?"

User: (describes problem)

Tech: (rattles off computer jargon)

User: "Sorry, I don't understand. Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?"

Tech: "Okay... 'Hi, could you please put your mommy on the phone?'"