Why shouldn't you tell a secret on a farm?

Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.

So, I'm at a store buying a bag of dog food for my dog. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog. I told her that I was starting the Dog Food Diet again and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with food Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(At that point practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, the lady behind asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Bob: How are we going to sing tonight with these colds?

Charlie: I’ll sing solo and you sing tenor!

Bob: Solo? Tenor? What in the world are you talking about?

Charlie: I’ll sing solo, so low that I can’t be heard! You sing tenor, ten or twelve miles down the road!

As I was waiting in the Doctor's office the day after Christmas I accidentally overheard a conversation between the desk employee and another patient on the phone.

Employee: "Ma'am the Doctor's office will be closed for the next few days due to the snow storm headed into town. Would you please choose a date to reschedule? Would sometime next week be fine?

I could hear the patient on the phone getting upset and not wanting to change her appointment.

Trying to be as polite as he could, the employee began again: "But ma'am when you show up this week for your appointment no one will be here because of the snow storm."

I then heard yelling from the woman on the line before she abruptly hung up. The employee shook his head in disbelief. Trying to make his day a little better I said, "You would think after Christmas people would have a better attitude."

Employee: "She's more Halloween than Christmas!"