As he stood at the bar for the first time with his son the proud father said, "Now is as good of time to talk about some of the facts of life. Remember. a man that drinks beyond his capacity is no gentleman. To enjoy life you must observe a happy medium. Have a drink occasionally, but never, never, never get drunk."

"Yes sir," replied his dutiful son, "but how am I to know when I am drunk?"

"Well, you see those two men over there in the corner?" said the father. "If you were to see four men, you'd know you were drunk."

"Dad, let me have the keys," grinned the son. "There's only one guy over there."

The other day my wife started a conversation with a weird question...

"ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?!?!"

Valentine Day sign at the local produce store:

I love you... from my head TO-MA-TOES!

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

He didn't, because during the Jurassic period there were no roads.