I ordered new coats for my kids...

For convenience, I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section.

Two bacteria walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here."

And the bacteria says, "But we work here. We're staph."

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anybody can roast beef.

My mate recently got divorced from his wife.

They decided to split the house.

He got the outside.