How far is it from the Earth to the Sun?

10 CVS receipts.

“My extra winter weight is finally gone.

"Now, I have spring rolls.”

My son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered this for a moment and replied, “When Abe Lincoln was your age he was The President of the United States.”

My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends, so she said I was a bad lover...

You should have seen her face when they all disagreed.