I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing...

If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

"What did you take?" his priest asked.

"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."

"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"

"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."

I'm always in the right place!

Unfortunately it's always at the wrong time.

How are wives like hand grenades?

Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!