Little Johnny's teacher was preparing the students for the upcoming Spelling Bee when she asked Johnny to "Spell Straight."

Little Johnny: "S-T-R-A-I-G-H-T."

Teacher: "Correct; what does it mean?"

Little Johnny: "Without ginger ale."

A new remote control for your television was being developed that enables the truly lazy to surf channels while moving even less muscles than before. The new device totally eliminates the need to stretch your arm that little bit more from your couch, to get the remote directly in front of the TV. Now the only muscle you need to move is your finger.

This is just one more step to inventing technologies that turn people into furniture, and their brains into Jell-O.
The company spokesman indicated it wanted to refine the product even more by making it thought-controlled, thereby completely removing the need for any sort of muscle movement at all, but this wouldn't work because it has been discovered that most TV addicts are completely incapable of any kind of thought at all.

A young secretary in my office was telling anyone who would listen about what a fun time she had on her vacation. She then asked her boss for two weeks leave in which to get married.

"But you just had two weeks off," said the boss. "Why didn't you get married then?"

"What, and ruin my vacation?" she whined.

"Johnny, why are you late?" asked the teacher angrily.

"Sorry teacher, it was late when I left home."

"Then why didn't you start earlier?"

"Sorry, at that point it was too late to start earlier."