Ralph took a job with a construction to paint lines on Texas Road 82. The first day he painted ten miles. The boss was very impressed.

The second day he painted two miles. The boss was a little disappointed. The third day he only painted 500 feet.

The boss sat him down and said, "Ralph, how come you paint ten miles the first day, two miles the next day, but only 500 feet today?".

Ralph replied, "Well boss, each day I get farther and farther away from the paint can".

The landlady of a rooming house that had seen better days was leading a prospective tenant to a third floor room with badly splattered wall paper.

Landlady: “The last man who lived in this room was an inventor---he invented some type of explosive."

Prospective tenant: “Then the spots on the wall was some type of explosive?”

Landlady: “No, the inventor.”

Two old settlers out in the FAR WEST, confirmed bachelors, got to talking about cooking.

"I got one of them cookery books once, but I could do nothing with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?"

"You said it! Every one o'them recipes began the same way... 'Take out a clean dish'... that settled me."

The speaker was genuinely enthusiastic about the virtues of temperance but his face made people doubt him.

Towards the close of his testimony he squared his shoulders, held his head tall, and said, "I have lived in this town all my life. in this town there are fifty-five public houses that sell liquor, and I am proud to say that I have never been in one of them!"

Then came a small voice from the back, "Which one is that?"