A young man fell into a deep coma, but recovered before his friends had buried him. One of his friends ask him what it felt like to be dead.

"Dead? I wasn't dead and I knew it because I was hungry and my feet were cold."

"But, how did that make you so sure?"

"Well, I knew if I was in heaven I wouldn't be hungry, and if I were in the other place, my feet wouldn't be cold."

Two guys sitting in a football stadium waiting for the game to start.

One turns to the other and says, “I hope the rain keeps up!”

“Oh, why?”

“So it doesn’t come down!”

After separate but lengthy trials two guys meet in a prison-cell and tried to get the upper or lower bunk.

PRISONER #1: How long are you here for? 

PRISONER#2 : Twenty-seven years. Hwo long are you in for? 

PRISIONER #1 : Twenty-five years. 

PRISONER #2 : Well,then, you sleep by the door: you'll get out before me. 

THINGS THAT IS DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

 THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive- aggressive disorder  

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Nope, no more beer for me.
2. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
3. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.