BARBER: (To a long-haired teenager) You're next.

TEENAGER: I'm not waiting for a haircut.

BARBER: What are you waiting for?

TEENAGER: Nothing. My Dad's looking for me and this is the last place in the world he would look.

Doctor: "Have you been drinking fluids?"

Patient: "Jeez, Doc, that's literally all I drink."

"Waiter, it's been half hour since I ordered that turtle soup."

"Yes, sir, but you know how slow turtles are."

JOHNNY: "Say Mom, was our baby sent down from heaven?"

MOTHER: "Yes, son."

JOHNNY: "I guess they like to have things quiet up there, huh?"