Halfway between New York City and Washington DC the train's engine fell silent.

"I've got good news and bad news," the conductor announced. "The bad news is that we lost power."

The passengers groaned.

"The good news," he added, "is we weren't cruising at 30,000 feet."

Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone...

So I threw it in the pool.

She: "Honey, I don't like you with the new glasses on."

He: "But sweetheart, I don't wear any glasses."

She: "True, but I do."

I read the mass chicken farms pump chickens full of antibiotics.

Well, that would at least explain why chicken soup is so good when you have a cold.