A man and a woman are having a date.

The woman remarks, “You know, you look totally like my third husband!”

The man is startled and asks, “Really, how many times have you been married?”

“Twice.”

Arguing with the wife is a lot like trying to read the Terms of Use on the internet.

In the end you just give up and go “I Agree”.

This is my step ladder...

I never knew my real ladder.

There are only two instances when people hate the alarm clock:

1) When it rings.

2) When it doesn’t ring.