Top 3 situations that require witnesses:

1) Crimes
2) Accidents
3) Marriages

Need I say more?

A man walked up to the counter of an auto-part store. "Excuse me," he said, "I'd like to get a new gas cap for my Yugo."

"Sure," the clerk replied. "Sounds like a fair exchange to me."

A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said, "Chopsticks are provided only on request."

"But," the man countered, "if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to wash all the forks."

"True," the waiter shot back, "but we'd have to hire two more people to sweep the floor."

Did you hear about the new surgery kit that lets the patients sew up his own incisions?

It's called Suture Yourself.