Sometimes I talk to myself when I'm alone and it's kinda sad.

Me too.

I can’t believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.

I am peachless.

Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water.

I was like well, damn.

Her: At least invite me out to dinner.

Him: I don't go out with married women.

Her: But I'm your wife.

Him: I make no exceptions.