I’ve started growing herbs in my garden.

To help identify them I’m growing them in alphabetical order.

My neighbour asked me, “How do you find the time?”

I said, “Easy, it’s right here next to the sage.”

Pirate: I have moles on me back aaarrrghh.

Doc: It's ok, they're benign.

Pirate: Count again, I think there be ten!

The other day, I rang the Speaking Clock. It said, “What's the matter, can't you afford a watch? Are you too lazy to lift your arm up, you idiot?“

It was Greenwich Mean Time.

My son is studying to become a lawyer, so I texted him...

"If you tickle a man to death by accident... is it manslaughter???