My neighbour banged on the wall at 430am this morning!

Can you believe it. Lucky I was still awake listening to music.

They banged and shouted, "Can we have a little respect please?"

I shouted back, "I'm not a big Aretha Franklin fan but this one’s for you!"

Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.

I gave her a shoulder to crayon.

You’ve really gotta hand it to short people...

Because they usually can’t reach it for themselves.

I got my wife a metal detector as a present, but she didn't like it.

Strange, as she always likes to dig up things from the past.