I called Animal Welfare today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing four kittens."

“That's terrible," she replied, "Are they moving?”

“I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "but if they were that would explain the suitcase.”

I visited my new friend in his apartment.

He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out, I hate visitors.

My teenage son treats me like a god.

He acts like I don’t exist until he wants something.

What do you say to your sister when she's crying?

"Are you having a crisis?"