I went on a date with a girl who said she loved animals.

I said, "I work with animals every day."

She said, "That's so sweet. What do you do?"

I replied, "I'm a butcher!"

We never went on a second date.

My son’s math teacher called him average...

I just think he’s mean.

If you drive a Subaru in reverse, what are you?

U-R-A-BUS!

My wife said that last night I was shouting 'Gollum', 'Gandalf' and 'Bilbo Baggins'...

I must've been Tolkien in my sleep.