I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory...

They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says: "You must be single?”

The man replied: “Wow how did you know that?”

Cashier: “Because you’re not that good looking.”

I built a model of Mount Everest.

My son asked, “Is it to scale?”

I replied, “No... it’s to look at.”

Wife: "I'm pregnant...."

Dad: "Hi pregnant, I’m dad!"

Wife: "No, no you’re not."