Husband: “Call 911 quick, I think I’m having a heart attack!“

The wife picked up his cell phone to call. She said, “Give me your password!”

Husband: "Never mind, I’m feeling much better now."

What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?

"He didn't count on this..."

Friend: "What are you going to give your mother-in-law for Christmas?"

Me: "Her son back!"

No offense, but I was raised to “take care of my husband”...

Wash his clothes, clean the house, wear gloves, get rid of the body, act really sad at the funeral.