He who drinks a fifth on the fourth...

May not be able to go forth on the fifth!

Writing a horror screenplay. It starts off with a ringing phone.

The person answers and it’s their mom saying, “I have a computer question..."

My son asked me if a punch bowl is a place where you keep names of people you want to punch...

I usually keep them in my head but, keeping them in a fancy crystal bowl seems classy.

Me (texting): Are we still on for today?

Reply Received: You don’t have to text me this every morning! As your boss, trust me when I say, WE ARE "ON" FOR WORK EVERYDAY, MON - FRI!