“I love my job,” a farmer says out loud.

A sheep replies, “Ha! All you do is boss me around all day!”

The farmer, clearly upset by this responds, “What did you just say?”

The sheep replies, “You herd me!”

I've just turned down a job delivering for my local fruit and veg shop.

They offered to pay me in vegetables, but the celery was unacceptable.

Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes!

Me: I wish for a world without lawyers.

Genie: Done! You have no more wishes.

Me: But you said three?

Genie: Well go ahead, sue me.

My son asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”

I said, “Usually to avoid answering questions like this one.”