My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl...

I said I didn’t know he could!

My wife just called me pretentious.

I was so surprised my monocle fell out.

A traveling salesman was held up by a bad storm in the Hawaiian Islands.

He sent an e-mail to his corporate headquarters advising them that he was stranded for a few days and requested instructions.

The reply came back shortly: "Begin vacation as of yesterday."

I'm an atheist 11 months out of the year, but in December...

I'm eggnogstic.