“Are you making any New Year’s Resolutions?” my friend asked.

“Yes. I’ve resolved to stop playing so much polo,” I remarked.

“Since when have you been playing polo?"

“Never. But I figured that is one resolution I could keep!”

What do you hear when a Judge is learning to play the piano?

The Scales of Justice.

A North Korean soldier was asked to measure the height of a comrade's rifle.

"I can't," he replied. "My ruler is only 12 inches."

The friend looked at him, rather confused, and said, "I actually think Kim Jong-un is taller than that."

Me: "My wife is always forgetting to turn off the flashlight on her cell phone."

Friend: "I bet that’s annoying?"

Me: "Not so. When she walks in, I get to say, 'She really lights up the room.'”