As I get older, I notice that my wife and my hamstrings have a lot in common.

They're both inflexible.

"I received a half dozen really cool ties for my birthday. I guess I'm going to tie one on."

His wife shook her head and said, "Just don't wake me up when you get home!"

What did one disgruntled cardboard fake fan say to another?

"I wasn't cut out for this!"

My wife and I have this running battle over the temperature setting for our air conditioning.

She wants it set cooler. I want it set warmer.

After a recent verbal exchange, she finally shouted, "It's your fault. You always said you wanted a hot wife!"